So this is it, checking in after all these months.

How is it life? It changes every day. Right now I’m sorting through old files and hard drives, trying, vainly, to get it in order. I want to bring order to things, to make them brighter.

I’ve been sort of in Nevada City for a while now, having my way and not. Suddenly I’m feeling stuck. As if too much has gone on without going on.

We went to Samoa, and felt the humid air, watched my brother get married, celebrated, fretted, felt what it was to be in tropical paradise with a lot of questions hanging around your life. Questions I can’t even relate here.

But they seem resolved.

Kate is in the kitchen making pumpkin pie, zucchini bread, and broccoli casserole. Couldn’t get any better really. The air is pushed around by the fan, Summer outside, as usual. Music in the making, the album sits on the hard drive. Couldn’t get any better really.

And yet, I’m feeling the missing of a vital part of my life. The part that feels that I know what I’m doing, that I’m in any kind of control whatsoever. This time here in this town has been up and down, but never really rapidly toward anything… each new alleyway seems to end up a dead end, back here, wondering what to do, and what I’m doing, with my self.

I’m so desperate for decent work, for a bit of cash, for direction in my wanderings. I long to have a bit more crystallized beauty in my mind and waking life, and I’m tired of having nightmares, regularly.

I’m tired of feeling old, older, and not feeling that it is leading anywhere. I long for the spiritual, and the practical. I long to be released from a long dry spell.

So here is to it. nothing new to report really, just letting it get down and out. letting it be where it will.