and tonight we sit by the warmed fireplace, holding out for more warm, and a few raindrops drop erratic from the fir and redwood trees down on the cabin roof. kate now mixes paint and draws her straight line rendition of the woodstove, a smoky blue and a blood red mixing.

got back from ukiah tonight, it was my dad’s birthday so kate and i jumped into my truck last night after 3pm, of course wanting to leave at o, 10am, well, whatever, and woozing back and forth curvy curvy the only way to ukiah. usually the though of ukiah depresses me but i arrived and it was kind of um, bucolic, (is that the right word) with a few big trucks, and the south south side of town the thunderbird motel and the airport infused with you know, memory and life or whatever was in between it, joe’s father’s house, the pear sheds, ayla’s house there, dora street, et cetera, nostalgia fumes waking you out of present identity.

right, as if we wouldn’t head straight for ross dress for less. after all, i wanted some designer ass jacket to feel fashionable in knowing wittily that i wasn’t, and kate NEEDED and i stress need some warm snuggly long socks. instead i got a ‘personal grooming kit’ which is, like the iPod, creepy and consumerist of me, (but useful, that electric nosehair trimmer, o so useful) and o, what else did i find, o yes, isotoner gloves, which i admit i bought ONLY because back in the 90’s when steve young of 49er fame was advertising them they were way too exclusive and useless for my high school existence, though i must shamefully, and accentuate the shame here, admit that i had a pair of gloves, rabbit fur lined and all that were my great grandfather’s that i lost. i also lost a pocketknife on keith’s property and i also admit that in the midst of college one of my friends borrowed his tux that fit me perfectly and never gave it back, and of course, me, being who i was back then, too fucking unconcerned to hunt it down. yes i admit it i lost them. and so i bought these gloves, hopefully someday some grandchild of mine will lose them, hopefully they will last the winter.

anyways, point is we oddly devoured this shopping experience, and then it was over that enthusiasm, and so we drove south to my parent’s NEW house in hopland, which, with each visit, is becoming more and more the perfect spot for things to kind of end up, its so beautiful out there, the vineyards, the distant freeway at night, the mist on the hills, the dog, buddy, the bedroom for sam and nate where the old posters and guitars still linger.

it was a good trip, to sum it all up, facing a lot of things, november a good time for that…

i’m really inspired by my family, sam is amazing, nate has discovered this intense new drive, pete is more brilliant than i really ever got a chance to know, my dad becoming you know more healthy, more happy, and my mom ever the shining light.

that’s the bright side, the down side being that whenever i am in the presence of my family i seriously doubt who i AM, like, am i interesting at all, am i you know, completely out of touch? i feel out of touch because i don’t ever talk straight, prefer to listen, except for my music, and except i suppose with my lovely girl, or my best of friends over a serious home run derby game.

by the way check this out it actually is funny, and true: sorryeverybody.com

so, yeah, you know, family= insecurity all that.

whatever.

enjoying the futureheads more, and snow patrol, not into boards of canada right now, into makers mark, and into just, you know, waking up and working and working and working and not really questioning that… meaning, i have come to this realization that when i do the things i WANT to do i just do and do and do and burn both ends of the candle but do not ever complain. and that feels good.

and stuff.

and pop culture, and cool things. and nose hair trimmers, defying the news, painfully, arrogantly free.