The pinnacle of the camping experience may be for some the complete absorbtion into nature while sipping ice cold canned beer and eating canned chili. For me it is different, and I don’t know yet what it is… but I felt a great thrill last night to be sitting on top of a giant boulder overlooking Mirror Lake, truly the only humans in the world, Kate and I out there and awake at all.

Kate was finishing her beer and suggested that we walk unarmed and unaware of where we were going by the faint moonlight of a setting quarter moon. “Great” I of course said.

So we walked a bit trotted some throguh the almost sickly thin pines of the campground, over a ghostly quiet bridge, and a long the rushing roaring Tenaya Creek. Eventually the roar hushed down, and we were left to sit in solitude above the water so still that the stars were reflecting. Above us, Half dome mightily caught every last drop of moonshine, and the snow on its rim sparkled pure white.

Yesterday was of course, The Day. My birthday. And so symbolically we had been planning to take off on this epic trip for two months now. And its been all waiting.

And in the final days it was all packing. Pack the bags, the lanterns, the towels, the stove, the mattresses, the jackets socks shirts the flashlights batteries. And then take them all out and repack since they dont fit all that well. And then get all stressed out about it becaues you are subconsciously thinkking the whole trip will be a disaster inevitably because you will die in the woods attempting to camp. from a truck.

Yesterday I woke up, showered, made coffee and packed. As opposed to the previous three days where I woke up and packed. Its just finding places for things. Kate rearranged food boxes, containers were shed, and a certain sense of ‘fuck it’ just kind of creeped in. And I went with it. We’d be alright. Its a camping trip not the end of the world.

The leaving is the best part of driving. Cruising down 80 East going 75mph just to keep up with the big rigs riding your tail is a glorious feeling.

Wow. Last day of being 26. Day of departure for road trip. All in all, things are pretty surreral for me right now, I’m anxious.

The truck is all packed. Everything from velcro to batteries to tylenol to long johns.

today I leave Hopland, and head for Auburn, and then tomorrow, Kate and I leave for Yosemite, where we have reservations for a couple of nights.

At this point, having the last two weeks at home with my parents has probably been the best thing, I’ve spent every single day of it preparing for some aspect or another of the trip. Yesterday I made mosquito netting and curtains for the back of the truck where we will sleep. Today before I leave for the road I am going to polish and shine the truck.

O dang I forgot to back up my hard drive… and, o, I have to call the insurance company… o, all these things before leaving. I had better get off the computer and get serious.

This is our home for the next many weeks:

I think that my mind is going through pages and pages of code trying to decipher something that may or may not be anything… I’m frazzled lately, unable to focus in many ways, and, as the potential cure, unable to sleep very well at all. I awaken at the very first sign of light in the morning, and then I struggle to get enough sleep (having gone to bed at o, 230 the earliest). So that’s that.

Last night, Blue Danube, once again, but kind of highly affirming in many ways. Had a great conversation there about kind of not only sticking with the music, but also not allowing yourself to discount the talent and reality of it, which I have been doing too much of lately.

That is why a refreshing change of scene would be ideal.

And that is why I’m having agreat time at my parent’s house, relaxing, not thinking about much… scarily, at all.

I’m sitting in the blessedly awful Coffee Critic of all the stupid places in the world, catching a Giants game on the TV after driving from Auburn to Ukiah High, in a dire effort to get my brother Sam his tennis racket, for a match that was cancelled. So all in all, pretty classic, in a NorCal way.

Ukiah has this magnetism, a strange backwards magnetism that creates a vortex of strange crossings and paths. And wow the town is the same, the random alterna loner, the smitterings of just like, S L O W E d down 40 + men and women, and of course the bubbly high schoolers just sort of eternally killing time.

And the Giants are winning, which redeems everything in a small way.

In news, the show on Sunday was, well, to say the least, akward… I had broke a cello string and my whole set was based around my newer cello songs, but of course, it being Sunday afternoon I was unable to find a string anywhere in Northern California. So I get to the Edinburgh Cstle, which is this danky bar, the best diver bars that there are, dirty loud, packed with hipsters who haven’t showered for the weekend. I had an awful set personally, but I have to thank everyone that was there, because they didn’t make me feel it that way… They were super supportive and appreciative, even when my guitar strap broke mid song and the sound was all off and everything. I’m not even mentioning yet the best part of the gig for me, which was Ayla Davila sitting in, learning three songs in like, three seconds, and making them sound a lot better than I would have that night on my own.

The rest of the night was kind of beautiful in my kind of way… A 3 hour drive North leaving at midnight, to Auburn, CA, where my girl Kate is temporarily staying with her parents, who are fantastically good to me. I love driving 8 lane freeways when i’m the only one on them at 230am. Its a beautiful feeling of freedom. I listened to M.I.A.‘s new album, John Vanderslice, and just slowly careened along happily… Happier still to see Kate, whom I have missed a lot these few days that we’ve been apart… its interesting how in depth you get with a person living with them very closely for a year. I think its a good sign that after all that closeness and time, we didn’t get tired of eachother… we still miss eachother. This trip we are taking is going to be brilliant.

So that’s that for now… in short, a lot of things going on in the past few days. I’m getting ready for a show in SF on Thursday night, at the Blue Danube. I’ll have to go find a cello string now…

You all should check out my brother’s photography sites… the work is great, and its updated regularly. His work amazes me, he manages to make it look easy.

petegeniella.com

I’m sitting in a corner in the cabin with a bare bulb lightling the now empty room. This is the last night in the cabin, our Eden for the year, my perfect little home for the perfect amount of time. Its of course bittersweet. I am thankful for how satisfying this place has been for us. I hope that the next place I live is as cool and cooler than this. I am thankful for Kate, so many amazing days and nights just living the right way.

I’ve spent all day clearing the corners and packing the camping gear. Last minute details. Its been hard, truly, listening to loud music all day to help me get through. Catching the sunset in Mendocino the wind on the headlands was so strong that I couldn’t stand up against it. To see a year go by, and pass, like a single day. I have this feeling that I am onto better and bigger things, and so I’m not worried about it in the end… this trip is the kind of spark you need to ignite things in your life I think.

And so I won’t miss it… and I mean that I won’t miss it in the sense that, of course I will think fondly on the people and the setting, and will urge myself to always live in a way that is similar to what we started out here… but you can’t spend your life missing things. Its better sometimes to pick up, let the bridges fall behind you and accept that it is not your responsibility to nurture the sanctity of your cherished places and times…

‘the falling of the past, the raising of your mast. Its all right’.

Moving as you may know, is not fun

But nonetheless, I take part in it everyday for the last week or so, sweeping, moving, being sad, being glad et cetera. At this point its just super surreal and I wouldn’t mind getting it over with.

Its making me tired.

Plus Kate is leaving tomorrow and its all too huge to even really think about. So at this point I just pretend like I’m busy and push forward. Like most people.

I met up with my brother Nate today in Montgomery Woods, which is approximately halfway between where I’m living and Ukiah, where I was living. Its too bad I haven’t visited it much since living here, it is still astounding, and for me a great source of peace and quiet.

When I was in High School and College I would go up to Montgomery Woods every week or so, sometimes with friends in the middle of the night at the full moon, sometimes by myself when I needed to think. It was like church to me, or the only true church I’ve had since that age. It is an amazing place, that no matter what was troubling me I could walk out of there feeling enlightened and ready to take it all on.

I talked with Nate alot about college and the future and whatnot, jobs… the stuff you think of all the time but never quite have answers for. Nate is doing really well and I think he is on the right path: working really hard and creating opportunities for himself by pursuing adamantly his goals. Me, well, I hope the same can be said for me. Anyone who knows me well knows that music, and hopefully MY music is the key and the goal to future prospects. And anyone even those who don’t know me know that it is tough to make a living as a musician. I know this. I am aware, nonetheless, I keep pulling for it, and I keep trying to make a more amazing album than the last, and to push it as much as I can. Could something happen there…? Yes, and it will on some level.

Anyways, the trees in the main grove of Montgomery Woods look like this:

and there were so many wildflowers out, one orchid looking one looked like this:

it was nice. I feel peaceful now. Thanks Nate.

Up at our house it is bright and light again, for the first time in months not soggy and dank… Its nice. In the evening a couple of nights ago it looked like this:

and the view towards the ocean through the trees was like this:

So, yes, it is hard too be letting go of this place when it is getting to be SO beautiful again, but at the same time its amazingly exciting.

I fixed up the back of my truck with a bed and storage cupboards for our roadtrip. next is to rig a tarp tent set up that will reach from the back of the truck outward, so that we have some privacy to change clothes and whatnot, and a place to hang out in the rain. Its pretty neat. I’m loving my truck right now.

Online, well, not a whole lot of action out there. Pitchfork is a decent place to look at some music info for indie type bands if you are into it. I’ve been listening to and enjoying Enon lately, just ingenuitive and somehow not trite and boring like too many ‘alternative’ bands these days. Still too, AFI is well, what it is is that everytime their music comes on I want to listen to it… unlike most other music, I just flip through so easily.

Back from another show in the city, this one at a small little place with excellent ambience called Epic Arts. A few of my friends that I haven’t seen in years and was really happy to see showed up and that was good. The sound was great, the other performers were on it, and all in all it was a good gig. I feel like I’m reaching a peak with my performance, especially with the whole cello/singing thing. Its coming together, finally able to get the sounds out of my cello that I want, and to be able to sing marginally in tune is nice too.

The day though yesterday was LONG, and in the longest kind of way. Scissors my kitty decided to wake me up and keep me awake at 430am, and of course knowing that I had a show that night I kind of did this non reverse psychology to get myself to sleep which didn’t work. I kind of had one of those nights that is similar to a fever dream, where you incessantly think about your life and where it is all going et cetera et cetera. And all these thoughts just seemed so much… leaving on the road trip, leaving everything again, needing change… not knowing what comes next. Not wanting to serve tables, yada yada the same old thing that everyone knows about.

Today we cruised around Berkeley a little bit and had a nice time of it, being in college land and then up through Napa, which I imagined to be a lot better that it actually is… kind of disappointed, I had no idea how bloated Napa has become, whatever charm it is supposed to have I feel has been swallowed by an odd mall culture. O well.

Geyserville and a few of the other stops along that amazing road 29North and 128West are still charming and the scenery is just fantastic this time of year, with all the trees starting to come alive again.

It was such a long drive, but again, nice to come back to Mendocino and call it home… for now. I think we still want to live here if we can find a decent place to live that is more connected to community. To be able to walk to the grocery store, and the post office and the ocean would be fantastic. But we’ll see, we’ll see what else is out there in America for us.

So that’s not all that interesting, and I don’t have any cool links to sites or anything right now, except the lastsoundofsummer which made note of my instrumental album being up and sent a bunch of people to the site, which made me kind of gleeful. In one day 400 songs were downloaded from my site, which is a lot, to me at least.

Or something along those lines. I don’t know what it is that would cause an epiphany but I believe there is a cause for one out there.

I’ve been down the past couple of days, just the blues, the mid February, the change, the uncertainty, the dwindling funds, the feeling of stuck…

I’m having such a hard time booking shows which is what I think saps my confidence the most right now… I want obviously to do my music for a living, and if I can’t even get some live shows lined up, how am I to effectively promote? I wish that my CD would land in the right hands or whatever, or that I had that insight into what I need to be doing better, more effectively. I know that I am working hard, but perhaps not efficient enough.

SO, big news for us is that the road trip is absolutely on. We will not be moving into the house that I mentioned earlier, last post, because of a lot of reasons, mainly that it was too temporary, and too much money to pay for a temporary house for a month that we won’t even be there. And we’ve given notice to our current landlord. And I’ve told my job I’ll be gone for a month at least.

So if I can get some gigs for at least the West Coast part of the trip, I think i will feel very good about the whole thing.

Its not a question of IF, I will dammit.

O, and I should be raving about this, that my instrumental album “You Are The Driver” is mixed masterd and done.

Tomorrow I will be posting the whole thing on my site for a week or so of free downloads. And then when I’m done with the trip and whatnot, I’ll get it on iTunes and print a few CDs. I’m listening to it right now and I’m really happy with it, I’ve never heard an album like it… in the sense that it is blending these worlds of classical and electronic pretty well… taking acoustic sounds and manipulating them into a new thing… its neat. Its like Godspeed You Black Emperor on E and Red Bull, but not as lame.

Or something.

And sometimes you just go for it. I’m thinking we’re moving out of our cabin here soon… Staying in Mendocino, but looking for another place to live, more light, closer to the ocean.

We’ve actually found this really nice place for the Summer, and I think that after much debate we are looking to move there… It has a view of the ocean from high above Mendocino, is about 3 minutes from town, has a huge yard, lots of light, two decks…

Pretty nice actually.

It makes me sad in some way and is actually even hard to admit in this format on the blog, because everything up to now has been about how perfect life is in that little cabin.

But your desires and needs change, and the reality of a situation changes in a New York minute.

Can one pay for happiness? I think honestly, in a sense yes. Especially in this country. And if you can, you should.

Nothing is more important than health and happiness (?)

What do you think?

after wading through the crazies and battling for parking spots, things we dont do in mendocino, we are off to go home.

The show was beatiful, a warm night, my brother and his friends and my friends some driving all the way from ukiah.

And tonight we’ll be in the woods. Giving scissors some company, who we left all locked up with a lot of food for company.

We got to see the aquarium, thanks to T, and all the little ants in the ant display. Maybe pics later, I sure feel like a tourist, espcecially sitting here again in Caffe Trieste.

Onto the road again, into another phase…

No we haven’t found Walnut yet. We’ve hiked in a mile radius around the property, whistelled with different whistles, peered up trees with binoculars, put up flyers, put an ad on the radio and no go.

Its a loss because it means Walnut is hurt or was hurt or is at very least afraid and lost. Its a loss because I miss her every day and night. Its a loss because she was really representative of our new idyllic life… happy, sweet. I’ve never had something so precious and to have her just disappear… it makes me scared.

On the homefront we are both trying not to be ridiculously obsessed with it. I just finishd the mixes for You Are The Driver. Which I am considering calling something else. “Eskimo” maybe. or something like that. I think that I will release it under a moniker, “Drama Club” is to be the name of my electronic ‘band’. Or whatever. Who cares.

I do. I’m thinking so much on my music career. I hope I have the guts to do everything possible to get my stuff out there. Its hard to do… and its a lot if not everything about confidence, and the vision you have of yourself. Sometimes I get this hint of a vision of myself as this brilliant electronic/rock/songwriter/classical/composer/artist/photographer/carpenter person who is a visionary and held to his path and never waivered. Sometimes I feel like another dumb 20 something trying to not waste his time. I mean, is everyone like this to some extent? Is this stuff I’m creating, putting more hours of my life into than ANYTHING else, is it good enough? Et cetera. Thoughts like this on and on in the winter. on and on.

So I’m going to watch Harry Potter movie tonight. and drink Makers. next… next is next.

so here i am at the blue danube again, kinda numb really. Excited about playing again, and seeing my brother.

but recently I experienced a loss that hit home and that I kind of want to write about later, but in short, Walnut is missing. And it has been really sad for Kate and I. So send vibes to Walnut to come home.

Just kind of doing a lot of things, making it through the January. I got some stickers from cafepress today and I’m into to giving them at my show next Thursday the 27th. I love having packaged copies of Blue Star available to send out to the world, and am trying to maximize my efforts there.

I’ve never been the type (for some stupid reason, modesty, insecurity?) to just mail out my CD to everyone in the world and hope that someone cares. I know its not the most practical strategy, but it always seems like that is how it happens for some people, the initial connections at least. I can’t for the life of me really think of any record labels nowadays that consistently put out music that is along my lines. Maybe you have some ideas there.

The interesting world of Mendocino moves along. All is well and not well, change hangs in the air. I would certainly hope that I get it all together to go on our much anticipated tour/road trip this April. I know that we are needing a dose of both inspiration and the real world. (whatever that is)

ESA Portal – New images from Titan

I’ve been watching ‘From The Earth To The Moon’ for the past few nights, and it is amazing to think about how inspired we can become by the exploration of the world. This kind of thing is so exciting to me. Check out the audio samples of what it sounds like to fly through Titan’s atmosphere. Its not very wow inspiring, but you can imagine being there and realize that humans sent a spaceship there and feel pretty neat about the whole thing.

Austin Booth

My friend Austin has some nice pictures on his site right now. You should check it.

For days it has been raining and raining. About an hour ago the sun came out for the first time in a long while. It was like a rush of endorphins for me. I had been huffing and hauling wood down the hill to my cabin and then chopping it up and then stacking it and I got all out of breath and then I noticed the sun shining. Very nice.

Crazy storm patterns though, interesting enough if you think about climate change.

It makes me mad in the end that there was no warning system for the tsunami that has devastated SE Asia… it makes me mad that something so crucial and preventable was overlooked. We can learn a lot from this, or we can just be sad about it.

I’ve been honestly trying to detach myself from the news in general lately… its (as usual) so depressing.

Yes its great that ONE senator had the… oh the GALL to question the Bush regime election TACTICS, but, ONE?! and really, once again, as in “Rathergate”, doesn’t this seem a bit misdirected, the blame? Thank you Karl Rove, I suppose. And thank you, fellow Americans, for your willingness to cooperate.

I feel American, but I suppose in the more traditional way: loving my freedom, glad to have the rights that I have, glad to live in THIS country frankly. But not in the modern way: I’m not proud of the limp and lukewarm passions that prevail, not proud of the roll over and let it pass attitude that most people maintain (for sanity of course)…

I think that the United States is a great country, I think that there still is not a better place to live your life in the world… but we’re kind of like prescription drug addicts, together, as a collective consciousness, oblivious to the roots of our problems, and obsessed with the symptoms.

Before the year ends, I am putting, right now, a last song up for downloads from my instrumental dance/classical album YOU ARE THE DRIVER. So you should check that out: at my site, here.

I wish I had time to write a big retrospective of the year, if for myself only, not to bore you but just to kind of sum it up. But in short, this has easily been the best year of life for me, and I look forward hungrily to 2005. The big world is still crazy and messed, but what can I do or say about that from here? Just living the best… et cetera et cetera. I suppose if you’ve been reading all along you get the point.

So I will have more to say, happy new year!

dot dot dot

It flew by so fast, and I am back near the ocean.

My only regret is not being able to spend more time with my family… it was really great to talk and catch up with my many aunts and uncles, to see my Grandma, kick it with my brothers, even see Kate’s family briefly.

I always feel this intense self examinatory period after being with family, I suppose its because I incessantly talked about what I am doing with my time, and even I have to listen and think about what exactly I am up to.

One thing that I realize is that I am ready to be done with the retreat like repose and take the music career more seriously. Even though I’m bubbling over with material, I’d like to focus on my live shows, get my gear that I need and work on the overall presentation. I listened to BLUE STAR again on the way home from Ukiah, along with Sing The Sorrow, (AFI),, and I decided that it needs more promotion, even though I am WAY over it artistically. The sound engineering by Keith Feigin is just, I mean, I listen to a lot of stuff and with this album he did such a crystalline job. It really is a bit of a triumph for me, and I hope for him too.

I have had revelations that the thing I really miss most about Portland, besides my friends in general, is the band. Not just a band, but THE band. And other than that I don’t really miss much.

The sun is starting to peek out. I need to run some errands and then I think I might start a hot fire and record some music.

Happy to say that my feelings on the whole Christmas thing are better now… especially since I got my brothers, who are a major pain in the ass to get presents for mind you, some good gifts.

I took some photos to put on christmas cards that will never be sent, but I figured I’d post them here, taken with a long exposure and a flashlight.

i don’t know why

maybe its because i just don’t know what to get people. maybe its because i have made no $$$ this month. maybe its because its just not what christmas used to be about.

me and my brother would start planning christmas eve about two months in advance. we would draw up elaborate plans for the purchase of piles of candy, to be consumed as we played rented video games. we would draw maps of the house and work out ways to sneak out and catch santa (or watch mom as we got older). it went so far as to know which boards in the hallways creaked when you walked on them, and practicing ways to walk ninja like out.

i still have the journal we kept from one christmas eve, i must have been 9 or 10, and we did checks every 15 minutes, with status reports, notes on how many presents, what the current mom situation was, where we hid out. et cetera. we wished we had walkie talkies and we never DID get a pair. we could hardly contain the excitement when it looked like it was time, and mom would go to bed. but she always took her sweet time, sometimes even falling asleep on the couch.

when she finally did go to bed we would wait 2 minutes (we told ourselves it was a half hour) and then sneak out. that moment, the flashlights reflecting off unopened presents, the stockings stuffed full, the crisp cool air in the big living room… it was palpable and brilliant. and then one of us would plug in the christmas tree lights, and their glow added a solemn beauty to the whole scene. we would find the santa presents, written in a mysterious style, all caps and almost… primitive like, FROM SANTA.

also, leading up to christmas we took each ritual very seriously, the hanging of the lights outside, the placement of the ornaments on the christmas tree. tyler let us know of this cool trick where you could lay underneath the tree and stare up into the lights sparkling against the ornaments and be in your OWN world entirely. tyler never had as elaborate plans, mainly cuz his brother was too young to conspire with him, and we always found that to be really strange.

it was cool to make things in elementary school for gifts, the aluminum foil ornaments, the stuff from woodshop that said your name in cursive. it was cool to kind of fall into the advent calendars in awe, and i loved the baby jesus scenes with mini porcelaine statues. it all seemed so magical, and i suppose the distinctive feeling was that these things, these THINGS were actually a place i could go to… somewhere special, only once a year. when christmas was over it was such a let down, even if you made mom and dad keep the tree up until it was hazardously toasted and dry.

i guess this is when people start thinking having kids would be a cool idea… that joy is so much… more exciting than the stuff i’m kind of feeling right now. like, having to beg to get christmas off from the restaurant, but still having to compromise and WORK, can you believe that WORK on that once sacred childhood night christmas eve. and wanting to get people you love things that they really want cuz you do care about them, but kind of remembering a time when what they wanted was something much less simple than an item… they wanted a gift. you gave a gift. you got a gift.

i suppose i am a bit disappointed in myself, as i have been since age 17 or so, for not really feeling the magic as much. i know that i want to, but now i don’t even know if i know how… it scares me. how to fall into a world and live it, and be ecstatic from the fact that that private world exists. i mean, i don’t smoke pot anymore and don’t want to… i used to think that pot did that for me, but pot is a kind of downer, it just is escapism on a non imaginative level.

my childhood was so important to me… i knew it at the time. i hope it doesn’t come back and devour me, how strongly i felt then. i would like to be the same person, and worry less about selling cars and paying bills.

to quote morrissey (and i’m sure i’m taking it out of context) “i’ve seen this happen in other people’s lives, and now its happening in mine”

well, that was depressing. just had to get that out there. i mean, can you relate? am i missing something here? i want more magic. AND i’m really happy to be at this point in my life too, but… do you know what i mean?

Blue Star @ Cafe Press

ok, so along the lines of thinking of my career and stuff i figured i might as well take advantage of the wonderful cafepress. so i’m using other products to promote my album blue star.

while i don’t expect anyone to flock to this and start a hysteria, you gotta admit, the products make for great gifts, that are unique, and that “promote” your friend, the unknown songwriter. and i tried to not be too annoying with the design, so that i would actually want to wear them around.

but i actually will more likely use the bulk discount to affordably do short runs of product for my shows.

nothing makes you appreciate the simplicity of being healthy like lying in bed for two days staring at patterns in the ceiling feverishly and not being able to taste food and not being able to comprehend simple romantic comedies because of your fever.

i got better, thankfully, and then kate got the same sickness, so we’ve just been chilling, being sick.

i felt a lot better today and took a short walk around the house… everytime i take a walk i appreciate where i live SO much, its a kind of paradise. the rain in the redwoods is one of my favorite settings in general, the fogs kind of hang in a misty wonderland, and now that the creek right by our house finally has water, we are surrounded by the sounds of water. its very new age. the creek runs steep down the canyon below us, and there are little pools and waterfalls everywhere. i hiked around our canyon to the next canyon on 15 year old logging roads all overgrown, and found another beautiful little creek, and then came upon a really amazing meadow, all misty and full of mushrooms everywhere. i can’t explain how happy the walk made me, to come back to the cabin as it was getting dark and looking up at our christmas lights glowing so solitary in the middle of the woods, the middle of nowhere. we are very much perched on a steep steep larger canyon, which leads to Big River (thats its name), which, i mean, conservative guess is at least a mile down, and we are only like, 1/4 mile from it, so in other words, steep.

so that’s good. and its good to be in the cabin all toasty right now, both of us feeling better.

i’m not working much lately, which freaks me out on some level because it means i’m broke and soon to be broker, but on another level this has been a good break for me. its a good time to re evaluate what i’m doing for a living. sometimes tough pinches make you decide to make big changes. which i need to do.

so i’d hope to land a better job, or even go back into the freelancing world of design and cello lessons… which can be very gratifying, if unsteady. but a job… i mean, what jobs are there really that i would be into? it seems like everyone around me manages to at least find a decent job at some point… hopefully the same will happen for me, i mean, i’ll do the work and all to get it, but i hope to at least be able to find and see a reasonably stimulating job in this area. that would be… the second to ideal. the ideal, of course would be able to make music, compose and tour. and i need to get my act together in terms of that… i’ve been putting off touring, even a small regional tour here and there, for no good reason except lack of time to put it all together. and so that is what i intend to do with this winter time off…

wish me luck. i might need some come rent time and all that… not that i believe in luck but still…

so i am sick. very very sick. i’ve spent the past two days in bed, complete waste of time, very lame. my head and my chest and my stomach are all about to explode and all in all i’m very tired, and spaced out.

all this probably a combination of two weekends in a row of travels, money and holiday and job worries, not enough sleep, and anxiety about shows. well

get over it, i will

fine

i’m hanging out on a very bright and warm san francisco day, its good to be in the city again, to get that fix for energy that only the city can bring. like, waking up to the sound of traffic and knowing that not only were people up and about, but thousands of people really near to you were out and about.

the show last night was great. jake (the organizer) has no idea how kind he is and how good he is at putting the shows together… it was just a good experience, especially compared to a lot of gigs i’ve had to deal with in the past. i was however, oddly incapacitated all day yesterday by our early rise time, i mean, i could NOT wake myself up all day, and the driving for 3+ hours and the nervous stress that i always get to the extreme every time i play, and the lack of food, and the presence of beer and coffee it just broke me down, to the extent that i wondered if i wasn’t really ill or something. but, no, i feel MUCH better after a good night’s rest at jake’s apartment (thanks! also thanks to tyler and pete and t for offering places to stay).

kate and i are to go out ‘shopping’ today, you know, strolling the streets while holiday music fills the air and i will be weighed down with all the packages and stuffed animals i bought and it will start snowing. although i think its too warm to snow.

so i find myself oddly in the cold confines of a sterile yuppie ish and NICE holiday inn room with my girl watching mtv (first tv watching in months). its interesting

last night o yes, thanksgiving with my family, highly successful and a really great gathering in hopland with members of the fetzer family and a few other families that i didn’t know… lots of good wine, and nice to of course, hang out with my family

more on that, and this

for now, i’m rather obsessed lately with this person music maker “mylo”, again, not the first by any means to discover him b ut if you are into dance electro dj stuff this seems to be innovative and quality to my ears

Mylo:Discography

Mylo’s Record Label

me and kate and the kitties went mushroom hunting today. not the kind of thing that i could’ve predicted i’d be into, but we live in this mushroom paradise where there are SO many around, everywhere you look. so i got an identification book, and we went tripping and stumbling through all kinds of logging roads and thickets and found hundreds of mushrooms.

we don’t eat any yet, but its fun to identify them. we took these home to identify.

the kitties literally followed us up and down steep hills, and through underbrush and everything. they are the coolest cats in the world… they are so loyal like dogs except they don’t drool on you and make huge piles of shit everywhere. i mean, i love dogs a lot, and that’s why i’m into my cats being doglike, don’t get me wrong. o, they also don’t bark.

they were really tired when we got home, we walked for miles.

scissors makes us give her all our money when we get home from work

and then she rolls around in it

also, it is VERY interesting these election results from florida?

i am one who does not buy into hype, but should we expect anything less than absolute lies and fraud from these fucks who are sending my young american peers off to die in a war based on lies?

ustogether.org

my kitty scissors has this really odd habit (for a cat) of lying on her back with her legs outstretched

and something about it is really creepy, but also adorable

our house is really pretty this time of the year. i’ve been working on the property a lot, and everytime i stand in this apple and cherry orchard my head swims with how cool it will be when it is all fixed up

and tonight we sit by the warmed fireplace, holding out for more warm, and a few raindrops drop erratic from the fir and redwood trees down on the cabin roof. kate now mixes paint and draws her straight line rendition of the woodstove, a smoky blue and a blood red mixing.

got back from ukiah tonight, it was my dad’s birthday so kate and i jumped into my truck last night after 3pm, of course wanting to leave at o, 10am, well, whatever, and woozing back and forth curvy curvy the only way to ukiah. usually the though of ukiah depresses me but i arrived and it was kind of um, bucolic, (is that the right word) with a few big trucks, and the south south side of town the thunderbird motel and the airport infused with you know, memory and life or whatever was in between it, joe’s father’s house, the pear sheds, ayla’s house there, dora street, et cetera, nostalgia fumes waking you out of present identity.

right, as if we wouldn’t head straight for ross dress for less. after all, i wanted some designer ass jacket to feel fashionable in knowing wittily that i wasn’t, and kate NEEDED and i stress need some warm snuggly long socks. instead i got a ‘personal grooming kit’ which is, like the iPod, creepy and consumerist of me, (but useful, that electric nosehair trimmer, o so useful) and o, what else did i find, o yes, isotoner gloves, which i admit i bought ONLY because back in the 90’s when steve young of 49er fame was advertising them they were way too exclusive and useless for my high school existence, though i must shamefully, and accentuate the shame here, admit that i had a pair of gloves, rabbit fur lined and all that were my great grandfather’s that i lost. i also lost a pocketknife on keith’s property and i also admit that in the midst of college one of my friends borrowed his tux that fit me perfectly and never gave it back, and of course, me, being who i was back then, too fucking unconcerned to hunt it down. yes i admit it i lost them. and so i bought these gloves, hopefully someday some grandchild of mine will lose them, hopefully they will last the winter.

anyways, point is we oddly devoured this shopping experience, and then it was over that enthusiasm, and so we drove south to my parent’s NEW house in hopland, which, with each visit, is becoming more and more the perfect spot for things to kind of end up, its so beautiful out there, the vineyards, the distant freeway at night, the mist on the hills, the dog, buddy, the bedroom for sam and nate where the old posters and guitars still linger.

it was a good trip, to sum it all up, facing a lot of things, november a good time for that…

i’m really inspired by my family, sam is amazing, nate has discovered this intense new drive, pete is more brilliant than i really ever got a chance to know, my dad becoming you know more healthy, more happy, and my mom ever the shining light.

that’s the bright side, the down side being that whenever i am in the presence of my family i seriously doubt who i AM, like, am i interesting at all, am i you know, completely out of touch? i feel out of touch because i don’t ever talk straight, prefer to listen, except for my music, and except i suppose with my lovely girl, or my best of friends over a serious home run derby game.

by the way check this out it actually is funny, and true: sorryeverybody.com

so, yeah, you know, family= insecurity all that.

whatever.

enjoying the futureheads more, and snow patrol, not into boards of canada right now, into makers mark, and into just, you know, waking up and working and working and working and not really questioning that… meaning, i have come to this realization that when i do the things i WANT to do i just do and do and do and burn both ends of the candle but do not ever complain. and that feels good.

and stuff.

and pop culture, and cool things. and nose hair trimmers, defying the news, painfully, arrogantly free.

i wish i could be as clever as my brother pete’s blog well, not even clever but its so interesting to read his writing… he’s always been an amazing writer but i suppose i haven’t really experienced a tremendous amount of exposure to it since the high school newspaper. which, even then it was very obvious that he was natural.

what do i do online? i don’t know. i got an iPod, which is you know, dumb because it means i have reached that threshold of modern american life where i actually buy material things and talk about them, which is depressing, but the hefty counterbalance to that is that for the first time in far too long i am excited about music. i mean, other people’s music. i know that this music revolution is not news to anyone else but for me i am finally understanding the ratifications of iTunes and even, (especially) free music. its not that big a thing really, it used to be called RADIO. but now all you hear is matchbox 20 and Rod Stewart and no wonder people aren’t perturbed by the fact that its ‘illegal’.

i like to think that this blog and my site are important, and i try to update those a lot. i’ve really been heartend by the increase in traffic to my site in the past few months, though it is a surprise. all i know is that somehow in the first week of november my songs have been downloaded 107 times as of yesterday and that is AMAZING>> i think its true that no matter how little money you make or how delusional your grandeur is you appreciate every last drop of attention and affection towards your art.

which is why i gotta run. i was just told by my manager that i don’t have to work tonight, so i’m going to go start a big fire and perhaps record some neat stuff.

all that i can say is that i have been waiting for this day for 4 years in many ways.

the mood here in mendocino is uplifting, the polling booth busy, which for around here is a big deal.

i am anxious i admit, but all i can say is that if half of my generation voted this election will be decided…

i actually will be praying on this one…

you should see me right now, or rather, i should see me right now, because when i look in the mirror, i am so scruffy and different to myself i hardly recognize. its nothing drastic, just happens that i havent shaved for 5 days, which for me equals beard action. which sucks, granted, but since the only people that may see me are my girlfriend, my construction co workers and the residents of fort bragg… i suppose it REALLY doesn’t matter. except that now that i think about it, kate deserves better than my fugitive looking face… and well, i need to get going because i’m going to surprise make a nice dinner and stuff.

ok

this being said, i am a baseball fan, and yes, i AVOIDED watching the entire series so as not to jinx it… but it still fills me with joy that the red sox beat the yankees, especially the way that they did.

Well its October, you can tell because of the smell of things and the slanting light and because there is the first crispness about.

Today my day involved such things as burning a pyre of brush and debris amounting to flames about 30 feet in the air. I made coffee this morning on my woodstove, since we ran out of propane last night. My big accomplishment lately is digging a trench about 20 feet long, eight feet wide and five feet deep. it has been really fun. i wish all i could do was build trenches.

actually i hate it, but it is, i’m sure, some strange initiation into the harsh world of carpentry. is this what i want to do? well, no, not as a career, but maybe just learn the skills as i go, they could be useful. i mena, i guess living here i realize how much most people (in the USA, who are above a certain income level… ) pay someone else to do everything for them. i mean, they couldn’t scrub a carpet if their life depended on it. which isn’t to place blame… i don’t know that i wouldn’t. i just know that i don’t want to and that one of my life goals is to be entirely self sufficient. entirely.

anyways, i’m talking about these burn pile things and i think that its interesting… i feel almost like i’m living a caricature of myself out… woodsy, cabins, burn piles, levi’s, trucks. do we all live caricatures out? do you in some way? maybe you don’t know until you drastically change your lifestyle. or whatever. i don’t know

Too Pure – Electrelane – discography

I’m kind of really excited about a band and their music for the first time in a long time, especially their album ‘the power out’… its hypnotic, and there is something very pure about it… the approach to songs is direct and not overtly self conscious. their sound has a kind of innocent vision to it, something like sonic youth around ‘daydream nation’. its wonderful.

in other news, today is MONDAY, and by saying that i don’t necessarily succumb to the status quo, in that “mondays” are so awful and there is one more thing to complain about, but there is something in the skies right now that needs to be aired away and out.

ahh, yes, that it could be. (the power of hope is exponential and personal, though the ambitious live inside and through it)

i’ve been working a lot the past few days, since kate’s car got towed in SF i feel like i haven’t slowed down at all. need time… need personal time…

but for now i go to work. dug trenches and cut down trees today (yes me, cut down trees… it was necessary, trust me) and now to the wonderful world of the ravens.

how do i always end up here? everytime that i have been going through the city solo and kind of aimless, which is not that often but often enough, i end up here in the caffe trieste. i even know how to get here now, which i didn’t before, i just ended up. but yeah, now i turn in the right place and kind of find myself sitting here and well i just find it funny. three years ago with mike , then once with tom, then twice in the past year. yes, not a BIG deal, but symbolic i’m sure of something. it is you know, the cool north beach spot, kerouac and ginsberg or cosby and pavarotti apparently ( the autographed picture on the wall collection is pretty amazing).

i played the show at the blue danube last night and it was just perfect, i mean, through and through everything i could have wanted. saw a lot of people, got to make and share music, really really why i do it at all.

last night wound up in my brother’s apartment and chatted with katie s. and tyler. got up early this morning to take my beautiful kate to the airport, walked out to the car on the way to breakfast and poof (!) revelation: no car.

thankfully it wasn’t stolen, it was towed. we parked it in front of someone’s garage stupidly. it was a strange odyssey to pick it up but we did. kate made it and is taking off in ten minutes to fly to austin texas. so its five nights on my own. with the kitties of course. which is good and bad but prolly good in the long run. lots of time to think.

not that i need it… kate is such a light, such a brilliant girl. here is to her safe journey.

also here is to TYLER

o so i am at work right now. yes, jobs are so interesting. i am sitting here in an empty restaurant watching the ravens fly around outside while my boss meanders around. i have so much to get done, it seems like a waste of time, but then, i am getting paid a pittance. i should quit. i don’t like the word should. but i really should.

this all zooms by so quick. i remember moments in my life, basically killing time at jobs when to make it through i had to tell myself that it would be over soon enough. of course i was always right. i’m at that stage with my waiter job here, fine dining… i’m over it. time to move on.

to ?

well i know what i would like. and we will have to see what comes and what i make of it.

my kitty walnut likes to bite and lick noses.

she is the nicest kitty.

things have really begun to shape around the cabin literally. i’ve taken up working for my landlord and his carpenter to learn a bit about putting things together and whatnot. right now i only tear them apart but nonetheless it is satisfying.

i’ve cleared out some tree limbs from around the cabin and now our view into the forest is broad and gorgeous. its funny, and i suppose this is the “lesson” how much a little change that you never thought about before changes everything.

i’m moving toward working carpentry/construction in general, its a more satisfying outlet, less prim people to ‘serve’ than the service industry and more actually valuable skills, no more plastic smiles.

of course, the real goal is to have my music land in people’s laps and have them be obsessed with it.

the real goal is to do exactly what i am doing now… work hard, make music, be in touch with…well, YOU, and live.

i’d like to make real cds, i’d like to have a professional cello, i’d like to have all the equipment i need to perform a live show, i’d like to not work at the restaurant any more. i’d love to see a film with my music in it. i’d love to tour the entire us and europe for a year or two on and off. but most importantly (this is the inspirational message… if you haven’t noticed i’m feeling enormously sentimental today) i really like what i have, the cabin, kate, walnut, scissors, my family. et cetera.

i think i’m feeling especially sentimental because i went to go start my old car that sarah wilmer of bronwyn fame sold me for $200 and it wouldn’t start. it made me realize how much i loved that car, all 275,000 miles on it, cracked windshield, missing side mirrors, missing tail light, faulty wiring, leaking oil and all. i really am grateful to all the things that that car did for me… i mean, that thing was actually verging on fucking magical: i think like 8 trips back and forth to california (including moving), every night i wanted driving across portland to kate’s apartment, jobs, cello lessons, gigs, all possible because of that care (and thus Sarah).

well don’t worry sarah, i have made a vow to fix it up running and give it to someone who needs it. any takers?

it feels as though it is happening, believe it or not…

one of my best friends tyler came to visit this morning. he is one of my favorite people ever, i forget that too easily, which is necessary so that i don’t miss him (and all my other really good friends) too much. he came and saw the cabin and the kitties, and we talked by the ocean.

my brother nate was also in town with his girlfriend simone, who arranged for me to surprise him by joining them unannounced for lunch. it was really cool. nate is so cool. happy birthday nate.

its another gorgeous day today. the rain fell a bit last night, cold enough to start a fire in the woodstove this morning. time to collect kindling and buy a bunch of firewood.

i’m thinking that i will begin to use the blog for my more ‘personal’ entries. this one of course is sort of like, hint hint, testing testing but hopefully it will work out just fine. in fact i’m sure it will. it will be nice to have the option of your response! ok. first blog entry ever done.