Austin Booth

My friend Austin has some nice pictures on his site right now. You should check it.

For days it has been raining and raining. About an hour ago the sun came out for the first time in a long while. It was like a rush of endorphins for me. I had been huffing and hauling wood down the hill to my cabin and then chopping it up and then stacking it and I got all out of breath and then I noticed the sun shining. Very nice.

Crazy storm patterns though, interesting enough if you think about climate change.

It makes me mad in the end that there was no warning system for the tsunami that has devastated SE Asia… it makes me mad that something so crucial and preventable was overlooked. We can learn a lot from this, or we can just be sad about it.

I’ve been honestly trying to detach myself from the news in general lately… its (as usual) so depressing.

Yes its great that ONE senator had the… oh the GALL to question the Bush regime election TACTICS, but, ONE?! and really, once again, as in “Rathergate”, doesn’t this seem a bit misdirected, the blame? Thank you Karl Rove, I suppose. And thank you, fellow Americans, for your willingness to cooperate.

I feel American, but I suppose in the more traditional way: loving my freedom, glad to have the rights that I have, glad to live in THIS country frankly. But not in the modern way: I’m not proud of the limp and lukewarm passions that prevail, not proud of the roll over and let it pass attitude that most people maintain (for sanity of course)…

I think that the United States is a great country, I think that there still is not a better place to live your life in the world… but we’re kind of like prescription drug addicts, together, as a collective consciousness, oblivious to the roots of our problems, and obsessed with the symptoms.

Before the year ends, I am putting, right now, a last song up for downloads from my instrumental dance/classical album YOU ARE THE DRIVER. So you should check that out: at my site, here.

I wish I had time to write a big retrospective of the year, if for myself only, not to bore you but just to kind of sum it up. But in short, this has easily been the best year of life for me, and I look forward hungrily to 2005. The big world is still crazy and messed, but what can I do or say about that from here? Just living the best… et cetera et cetera. I suppose if you’ve been reading all along you get the point.

So I will have more to say, happy new year!

dot dot dot

It flew by so fast, and I am back near the ocean.

My only regret is not being able to spend more time with my family… it was really great to talk and catch up with my many aunts and uncles, to see my Grandma, kick it with my brothers, even see Kate’s family briefly.

I always feel this intense self examinatory period after being with family, I suppose its because I incessantly talked about what I am doing with my time, and even I have to listen and think about what exactly I am up to.

One thing that I realize is that I am ready to be done with the retreat like repose and take the music career more seriously. Even though I’m bubbling over with material, I’d like to focus on my live shows, get my gear that I need and work on the overall presentation. I listened to BLUE STAR again on the way home from Ukiah, along with Sing The Sorrow, (AFI),, and I decided that it needs more promotion, even though I am WAY over it artistically. The sound engineering by Keith Feigin is just, I mean, I listen to a lot of stuff and with this album he did such a crystalline job. It really is a bit of a triumph for me, and I hope for him too.

I have had revelations that the thing I really miss most about Portland, besides my friends in general, is the band. Not just a band, but THE band. And other than that I don’t really miss much.

The sun is starting to peek out. I need to run some errands and then I think I might start a hot fire and record some music.

Happy to say that my feelings on the whole Christmas thing are better now… especially since I got my brothers, who are a major pain in the ass to get presents for mind you, some good gifts.

I took some photos to put on christmas cards that will never be sent, but I figured I’d post them here, taken with a long exposure and a flashlight.

i don’t know why

maybe its because i just don’t know what to get people. maybe its because i have made no $$$ this month. maybe its because its just not what christmas used to be about.

me and my brother would start planning christmas eve about two months in advance. we would draw up elaborate plans for the purchase of piles of candy, to be consumed as we played rented video games. we would draw maps of the house and work out ways to sneak out and catch santa (or watch mom as we got older). it went so far as to know which boards in the hallways creaked when you walked on them, and practicing ways to walk ninja like out.

i still have the journal we kept from one christmas eve, i must have been 9 or 10, and we did checks every 15 minutes, with status reports, notes on how many presents, what the current mom situation was, where we hid out. et cetera. we wished we had walkie talkies and we never DID get a pair. we could hardly contain the excitement when it looked like it was time, and mom would go to bed. but she always took her sweet time, sometimes even falling asleep on the couch.

when she finally did go to bed we would wait 2 minutes (we told ourselves it was a half hour) and then sneak out. that moment, the flashlights reflecting off unopened presents, the stockings stuffed full, the crisp cool air in the big living room… it was palpable and brilliant. and then one of us would plug in the christmas tree lights, and their glow added a solemn beauty to the whole scene. we would find the santa presents, written in a mysterious style, all caps and almost… primitive like, FROM SANTA.

also, leading up to christmas we took each ritual very seriously, the hanging of the lights outside, the placement of the ornaments on the christmas tree. tyler let us know of this cool trick where you could lay underneath the tree and stare up into the lights sparkling against the ornaments and be in your OWN world entirely. tyler never had as elaborate plans, mainly cuz his brother was too young to conspire with him, and we always found that to be really strange.

it was cool to make things in elementary school for gifts, the aluminum foil ornaments, the stuff from woodshop that said your name in cursive. it was cool to kind of fall into the advent calendars in awe, and i loved the baby jesus scenes with mini porcelaine statues. it all seemed so magical, and i suppose the distinctive feeling was that these things, these THINGS were actually a place i could go to… somewhere special, only once a year. when christmas was over it was such a let down, even if you made mom and dad keep the tree up until it was hazardously toasted and dry.

i guess this is when people start thinking having kids would be a cool idea… that joy is so much… more exciting than the stuff i’m kind of feeling right now. like, having to beg to get christmas off from the restaurant, but still having to compromise and WORK, can you believe that WORK on that once sacred childhood night christmas eve. and wanting to get people you love things that they really want cuz you do care about them, but kind of remembering a time when what they wanted was something much less simple than an item… they wanted a gift. you gave a gift. you got a gift.

i suppose i am a bit disappointed in myself, as i have been since age 17 or so, for not really feeling the magic as much. i know that i want to, but now i don’t even know if i know how… it scares me. how to fall into a world and live it, and be ecstatic from the fact that that private world exists. i mean, i don’t smoke pot anymore and don’t want to… i used to think that pot did that for me, but pot is a kind of downer, it just is escapism on a non imaginative level.

my childhood was so important to me… i knew it at the time. i hope it doesn’t come back and devour me, how strongly i felt then. i would like to be the same person, and worry less about selling cars and paying bills.

to quote morrissey (and i’m sure i’m taking it out of context) “i’ve seen this happen in other people’s lives, and now its happening in mine”

well, that was depressing. just had to get that out there. i mean, can you relate? am i missing something here? i want more magic. AND i’m really happy to be at this point in my life too, but… do you know what i mean?

Blue Star @ Cafe Press

ok, so along the lines of thinking of my career and stuff i figured i might as well take advantage of the wonderful cafepress. so i’m using other products to promote my album blue star.

while i don’t expect anyone to flock to this and start a hysteria, you gotta admit, the products make for great gifts, that are unique, and that “promote” your friend, the unknown songwriter. and i tried to not be too annoying with the design, so that i would actually want to wear them around.

but i actually will more likely use the bulk discount to affordably do short runs of product for my shows.

nothing makes you appreciate the simplicity of being healthy like lying in bed for two days staring at patterns in the ceiling feverishly and not being able to taste food and not being able to comprehend simple romantic comedies because of your fever.

i got better, thankfully, and then kate got the same sickness, so we’ve just been chilling, being sick.

i felt a lot better today and took a short walk around the house… everytime i take a walk i appreciate where i live SO much, its a kind of paradise. the rain in the redwoods is one of my favorite settings in general, the fogs kind of hang in a misty wonderland, and now that the creek right by our house finally has water, we are surrounded by the sounds of water. its very new age. the creek runs steep down the canyon below us, and there are little pools and waterfalls everywhere. i hiked around our canyon to the next canyon on 15 year old logging roads all overgrown, and found another beautiful little creek, and then came upon a really amazing meadow, all misty and full of mushrooms everywhere. i can’t explain how happy the walk made me, to come back to the cabin as it was getting dark and looking up at our christmas lights glowing so solitary in the middle of the woods, the middle of nowhere. we are very much perched on a steep steep larger canyon, which leads to Big River (thats its name), which, i mean, conservative guess is at least a mile down, and we are only like, 1/4 mile from it, so in other words, steep.

so that’s good. and its good to be in the cabin all toasty right now, both of us feeling better.

i’m not working much lately, which freaks me out on some level because it means i’m broke and soon to be broker, but on another level this has been a good break for me. its a good time to re evaluate what i’m doing for a living. sometimes tough pinches make you decide to make big changes. which i need to do.

so i’d hope to land a better job, or even go back into the freelancing world of design and cello lessons… which can be very gratifying, if unsteady. but a job… i mean, what jobs are there really that i would be into? it seems like everyone around me manages to at least find a decent job at some point… hopefully the same will happen for me, i mean, i’ll do the work and all to get it, but i hope to at least be able to find and see a reasonably stimulating job in this area. that would be… the second to ideal. the ideal, of course would be able to make music, compose and tour. and i need to get my act together in terms of that… i’ve been putting off touring, even a small regional tour here and there, for no good reason except lack of time to put it all together. and so that is what i intend to do with this winter time off…

wish me luck. i might need some come rent time and all that… not that i believe in luck but still…

so i am sick. very very sick. i’ve spent the past two days in bed, complete waste of time, very lame. my head and my chest and my stomach are all about to explode and all in all i’m very tired, and spaced out.

all this probably a combination of two weekends in a row of travels, money and holiday and job worries, not enough sleep, and anxiety about shows. well

get over it, i will

fine

i’m hanging out on a very bright and warm san francisco day, its good to be in the city again, to get that fix for energy that only the city can bring. like, waking up to the sound of traffic and knowing that not only were people up and about, but thousands of people really near to you were out and about.

the show last night was great. jake (the organizer) has no idea how kind he is and how good he is at putting the shows together… it was just a good experience, especially compared to a lot of gigs i’ve had to deal with in the past. i was however, oddly incapacitated all day yesterday by our early rise time, i mean, i could NOT wake myself up all day, and the driving for 3+ hours and the nervous stress that i always get to the extreme every time i play, and the lack of food, and the presence of beer and coffee it just broke me down, to the extent that i wondered if i wasn’t really ill or something. but, no, i feel MUCH better after a good night’s rest at jake’s apartment (thanks! also thanks to tyler and pete and t for offering places to stay).

kate and i are to go out ‘shopping’ today, you know, strolling the streets while holiday music fills the air and i will be weighed down with all the packages and stuffed animals i bought and it will start snowing. although i think its too warm to snow.

so i find myself oddly in the cold confines of a sterile yuppie ish and NICE holiday inn room with my girl watching mtv (first tv watching in months). its interesting

last night o yes, thanksgiving with my family, highly successful and a really great gathering in hopland with members of the fetzer family and a few other families that i didn’t know… lots of good wine, and nice to of course, hang out with my family

more on that, and this

for now, i’m rather obsessed lately with this person music maker “mylo”, again, not the first by any means to discover him b ut if you are into dance electro dj stuff this seems to be innovative and quality to my ears

Mylo:Discography

Mylo’s Record Label

me and kate and the kitties went mushroom hunting today. not the kind of thing that i could’ve predicted i’d be into, but we live in this mushroom paradise where there are SO many around, everywhere you look. so i got an identification book, and we went tripping and stumbling through all kinds of logging roads and thickets and found hundreds of mushrooms.

we don’t eat any yet, but its fun to identify them. we took these home to identify.

the kitties literally followed us up and down steep hills, and through underbrush and everything. they are the coolest cats in the world… they are so loyal like dogs except they don’t drool on you and make huge piles of shit everywhere. i mean, i love dogs a lot, and that’s why i’m into my cats being doglike, don’t get me wrong. o, they also don’t bark.

they were really tired when we got home, we walked for miles.

scissors makes us give her all our money when we get home from work

and then she rolls around in it

also, it is VERY interesting these election results from florida?

i am one who does not buy into hype, but should we expect anything less than absolute lies and fraud from these fucks who are sending my young american peers off to die in a war based on lies?

ustogether.org

my kitty scissors has this really odd habit (for a cat) of lying on her back with her legs outstretched

and something about it is really creepy, but also adorable

our house is really pretty this time of the year. i’ve been working on the property a lot, and everytime i stand in this apple and cherry orchard my head swims with how cool it will be when it is all fixed up

and tonight we sit by the warmed fireplace, holding out for more warm, and a few raindrops drop erratic from the fir and redwood trees down on the cabin roof. kate now mixes paint and draws her straight line rendition of the woodstove, a smoky blue and a blood red mixing.

got back from ukiah tonight, it was my dad’s birthday so kate and i jumped into my truck last night after 3pm, of course wanting to leave at o, 10am, well, whatever, and woozing back and forth curvy curvy the only way to ukiah. usually the though of ukiah depresses me but i arrived and it was kind of um, bucolic, (is that the right word) with a few big trucks, and the south south side of town the thunderbird motel and the airport infused with you know, memory and life or whatever was in between it, joe’s father’s house, the pear sheds, ayla’s house there, dora street, et cetera, nostalgia fumes waking you out of present identity.

right, as if we wouldn’t head straight for ross dress for less. after all, i wanted some designer ass jacket to feel fashionable in knowing wittily that i wasn’t, and kate NEEDED and i stress need some warm snuggly long socks. instead i got a ‘personal grooming kit’ which is, like the iPod, creepy and consumerist of me, (but useful, that electric nosehair trimmer, o so useful) and o, what else did i find, o yes, isotoner gloves, which i admit i bought ONLY because back in the 90’s when steve young of 49er fame was advertising them they were way too exclusive and useless for my high school existence, though i must shamefully, and accentuate the shame here, admit that i had a pair of gloves, rabbit fur lined and all that were my great grandfather’s that i lost. i also lost a pocketknife on keith’s property and i also admit that in the midst of college one of my friends borrowed his tux that fit me perfectly and never gave it back, and of course, me, being who i was back then, too fucking unconcerned to hunt it down. yes i admit it i lost them. and so i bought these gloves, hopefully someday some grandchild of mine will lose them, hopefully they will last the winter.

anyways, point is we oddly devoured this shopping experience, and then it was over that enthusiasm, and so we drove south to my parent’s NEW house in hopland, which, with each visit, is becoming more and more the perfect spot for things to kind of end up, its so beautiful out there, the vineyards, the distant freeway at night, the mist on the hills, the dog, buddy, the bedroom for sam and nate where the old posters and guitars still linger.

it was a good trip, to sum it all up, facing a lot of things, november a good time for that…

i’m really inspired by my family, sam is amazing, nate has discovered this intense new drive, pete is more brilliant than i really ever got a chance to know, my dad becoming you know more healthy, more happy, and my mom ever the shining light.

that’s the bright side, the down side being that whenever i am in the presence of my family i seriously doubt who i AM, like, am i interesting at all, am i you know, completely out of touch? i feel out of touch because i don’t ever talk straight, prefer to listen, except for my music, and except i suppose with my lovely girl, or my best of friends over a serious home run derby game.

by the way check this out it actually is funny, and true: sorryeverybody.com

so, yeah, you know, family= insecurity all that.

whatever.

enjoying the futureheads more, and snow patrol, not into boards of canada right now, into makers mark, and into just, you know, waking up and working and working and working and not really questioning that… meaning, i have come to this realization that when i do the things i WANT to do i just do and do and do and burn both ends of the candle but do not ever complain. and that feels good.

and stuff.

and pop culture, and cool things. and nose hair trimmers, defying the news, painfully, arrogantly free.

i wish i could be as clever as my brother pete’s blog well, not even clever but its so interesting to read his writing… he’s always been an amazing writer but i suppose i haven’t really experienced a tremendous amount of exposure to it since the high school newspaper. which, even then it was very obvious that he was natural.

what do i do online? i don’t know. i got an iPod, which is you know, dumb because it means i have reached that threshold of modern american life where i actually buy material things and talk about them, which is depressing, but the hefty counterbalance to that is that for the first time in far too long i am excited about music. i mean, other people’s music. i know that this music revolution is not news to anyone else but for me i am finally understanding the ratifications of iTunes and even, (especially) free music. its not that big a thing really, it used to be called RADIO. but now all you hear is matchbox 20 and Rod Stewart and no wonder people aren’t perturbed by the fact that its ‘illegal’.

i like to think that this blog and my site are important, and i try to update those a lot. i’ve really been heartend by the increase in traffic to my site in the past few months, though it is a surprise. all i know is that somehow in the first week of november my songs have been downloaded 107 times as of yesterday and that is AMAZING>> i think its true that no matter how little money you make or how delusional your grandeur is you appreciate every last drop of attention and affection towards your art.

which is why i gotta run. i was just told by my manager that i don’t have to work tonight, so i’m going to go start a big fire and perhaps record some neat stuff.

all that i can say is that i have been waiting for this day for 4 years in many ways.

the mood here in mendocino is uplifting, the polling booth busy, which for around here is a big deal.

i am anxious i admit, but all i can say is that if half of my generation voted this election will be decided…

i actually will be praying on this one…

you should see me right now, or rather, i should see me right now, because when i look in the mirror, i am so scruffy and different to myself i hardly recognize. its nothing drastic, just happens that i havent shaved for 5 days, which for me equals beard action. which sucks, granted, but since the only people that may see me are my girlfriend, my construction co workers and the residents of fort bragg… i suppose it REALLY doesn’t matter. except that now that i think about it, kate deserves better than my fugitive looking face… and well, i need to get going because i’m going to surprise make a nice dinner and stuff.

ok

this being said, i am a baseball fan, and yes, i AVOIDED watching the entire series so as not to jinx it… but it still fills me with joy that the red sox beat the yankees, especially the way that they did.

Well its October, you can tell because of the smell of things and the slanting light and because there is the first crispness about.

Today my day involved such things as burning a pyre of brush and debris amounting to flames about 30 feet in the air. I made coffee this morning on my woodstove, since we ran out of propane last night. My big accomplishment lately is digging a trench about 20 feet long, eight feet wide and five feet deep. it has been really fun. i wish all i could do was build trenches.

actually i hate it, but it is, i’m sure, some strange initiation into the harsh world of carpentry. is this what i want to do? well, no, not as a career, but maybe just learn the skills as i go, they could be useful. i mena, i guess living here i realize how much most people (in the USA, who are above a certain income level… ) pay someone else to do everything for them. i mean, they couldn’t scrub a carpet if their life depended on it. which isn’t to place blame… i don’t know that i wouldn’t. i just know that i don’t want to and that one of my life goals is to be entirely self sufficient. entirely.

anyways, i’m talking about these burn pile things and i think that its interesting… i feel almost like i’m living a caricature of myself out… woodsy, cabins, burn piles, levi’s, trucks. do we all live caricatures out? do you in some way? maybe you don’t know until you drastically change your lifestyle. or whatever. i don’t know

Too Pure – Electrelane – discography

I’m kind of really excited about a band and their music for the first time in a long time, especially their album ‘the power out’… its hypnotic, and there is something very pure about it… the approach to songs is direct and not overtly self conscious. their sound has a kind of innocent vision to it, something like sonic youth around ‘daydream nation’. its wonderful.

in other news, today is MONDAY, and by saying that i don’t necessarily succumb to the status quo, in that “mondays” are so awful and there is one more thing to complain about, but there is something in the skies right now that needs to be aired away and out.

ahh, yes, that it could be. (the power of hope is exponential and personal, though the ambitious live inside and through it)

i’ve been working a lot the past few days, since kate’s car got towed in SF i feel like i haven’t slowed down at all. need time… need personal time…

but for now i go to work. dug trenches and cut down trees today (yes me, cut down trees… it was necessary, trust me) and now to the wonderful world of the ravens.

how do i always end up here? everytime that i have been going through the city solo and kind of aimless, which is not that often but often enough, i end up here in the caffe trieste. i even know how to get here now, which i didn’t before, i just ended up. but yeah, now i turn in the right place and kind of find myself sitting here and well i just find it funny. three years ago with mike , then once with tom, then twice in the past year. yes, not a BIG deal, but symbolic i’m sure of something. it is you know, the cool north beach spot, kerouac and ginsberg or cosby and pavarotti apparently ( the autographed picture on the wall collection is pretty amazing).

i played the show at the blue danube last night and it was just perfect, i mean, through and through everything i could have wanted. saw a lot of people, got to make and share music, really really why i do it at all.

last night wound up in my brother’s apartment and chatted with katie s. and tyler. got up early this morning to take my beautiful kate to the airport, walked out to the car on the way to breakfast and poof (!) revelation: no car.

thankfully it wasn’t stolen, it was towed. we parked it in front of someone’s garage stupidly. it was a strange odyssey to pick it up but we did. kate made it and is taking off in ten minutes to fly to austin texas. so its five nights on my own. with the kitties of course. which is good and bad but prolly good in the long run. lots of time to think.

not that i need it… kate is such a light, such a brilliant girl. here is to her safe journey.

also here is to TYLER

o so i am at work right now. yes, jobs are so interesting. i am sitting here in an empty restaurant watching the ravens fly around outside while my boss meanders around. i have so much to get done, it seems like a waste of time, but then, i am getting paid a pittance. i should quit. i don’t like the word should. but i really should.

this all zooms by so quick. i remember moments in my life, basically killing time at jobs when to make it through i had to tell myself that it would be over soon enough. of course i was always right. i’m at that stage with my waiter job here, fine dining… i’m over it. time to move on.

to ?

well i know what i would like. and we will have to see what comes and what i make of it.

my kitty walnut likes to bite and lick noses.

she is the nicest kitty.

things have really begun to shape around the cabin literally. i’ve taken up working for my landlord and his carpenter to learn a bit about putting things together and whatnot. right now i only tear them apart but nonetheless it is satisfying.

i’ve cleared out some tree limbs from around the cabin and now our view into the forest is broad and gorgeous. its funny, and i suppose this is the “lesson” how much a little change that you never thought about before changes everything.

i’m moving toward working carpentry/construction in general, its a more satisfying outlet, less prim people to ‘serve’ than the service industry and more actually valuable skills, no more plastic smiles.

of course, the real goal is to have my music land in people’s laps and have them be obsessed with it.

the real goal is to do exactly what i am doing now… work hard, make music, be in touch with…well, YOU, and live.

i’d like to make real cds, i’d like to have a professional cello, i’d like to have all the equipment i need to perform a live show, i’d like to not work at the restaurant any more. i’d love to see a film with my music in it. i’d love to tour the entire us and europe for a year or two on and off. but most importantly (this is the inspirational message… if you haven’t noticed i’m feeling enormously sentimental today) i really like what i have, the cabin, kate, walnut, scissors, my family. et cetera.

i think i’m feeling especially sentimental because i went to go start my old car that sarah wilmer of bronwyn fame sold me for $200 and it wouldn’t start. it made me realize how much i loved that car, all 275,000 miles on it, cracked windshield, missing side mirrors, missing tail light, faulty wiring, leaking oil and all. i really am grateful to all the things that that car did for me… i mean, that thing was actually verging on fucking magical: i think like 8 trips back and forth to california (including moving), every night i wanted driving across portland to kate’s apartment, jobs, cello lessons, gigs, all possible because of that care (and thus Sarah).

well don’t worry sarah, i have made a vow to fix it up running and give it to someone who needs it. any takers?

it feels as though it is happening, believe it or not…

one of my best friends tyler came to visit this morning. he is one of my favorite people ever, i forget that too easily, which is necessary so that i don’t miss him (and all my other really good friends) too much. he came and saw the cabin and the kitties, and we talked by the ocean.

my brother nate was also in town with his girlfriend simone, who arranged for me to surprise him by joining them unannounced for lunch. it was really cool. nate is so cool. happy birthday nate.

its another gorgeous day today. the rain fell a bit last night, cold enough to start a fire in the woodstove this morning. time to collect kindling and buy a bunch of firewood.

i’m thinking that i will begin to use the blog for my more ‘personal’ entries. this one of course is sort of like, hint hint, testing testing but hopefully it will work out just fine. in fact i’m sure it will. it will be nice to have the option of your response! ok. first blog entry ever done.